I knew this day gonna come....

I`m really sad. Even though a lot of people are already gone from my area. Even though I`m not really connected to my hostfamily. Even though there are only 3 close friends left in Virginia. Even though I`m going to California....
I feel like losing my identity, my home, my friends. Even though I know that Germany is my identity, full of friends and my real home.

Sometimes I`m getting crazy because I don`t know how to deal with the whole situation. I am terrified!! Maybe my body just don`t know how to deal with all the different sensations, which are melting together. The excitement of the trip, the sadness of leaving, the fear of the "real" life, happiness of coming home, satisfaction because of a fantastic year and the imagination to how many good people I must say good bye in the next couple of weeks. You see, there is a lot going on.

One of the few persons, who really could help in those situations, is gone or better I made her go. I hope she is not gone forever cause I really care for her. Last Saturday I ended the relationship to Taise. I knew that I would lose her support for this time with that action, but you got to be honest with yourself. Even if you know, that the right decision doesn`t lead to a win-win but a lose-lose situations.

I have no idea how to put all this. I`m extremely confused and the best thing I can imagine right now is, that someone always knocks me out, becoming my double, 5 minutes before each good bye, to do that job for me.

I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate good byes. I met wonderful people here and I`m not able to say good bye in person, only because I forgot about the time and gave unimportant things a higher priority! It feels very wrong and the worst thing about it is, that I can`t change it. I only have one and a half days left here in VA. And the list of people who deserve a personal good bye, a little bit of information why I disappeared at some point, what i did in the time of not seeing each other. People who actually deserve a farewell present.

I know that this might just a feeling for another 30 minutes and then the excitement about CA is much bigger than all those other sensations, but aren`t we humans tending to write down, rather something we don`t like, rather about feelings we don`t like, than about great things and feelings we do like?!

My stuff is packed! Tomorrow I`m taking off to New York and the next day to California!

Have a great weekend !!


Ps: I made a big step and shaved my head.... I mean I`m losing my hair anyway, so why don`t take a look at what is about to ocme?! :D